5 Weed Strains Tested for Golf Aptitude

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Guest post by Herb Green

For those that don’t know, golf and weed go together like peanut butter and jelly. Puff the right strain before a match and you might find that elusive ‘zone’ pro athletes refer to. That is, if you puff the right strain and have a true belief in your skills beforehand. That sounds like some emotional counseling, and it kind of is. Often with golf, especially when there is money on the table, you have to look at yourself in the mirror like Stuart Smalley and say, “I am good enough today.”

Try that after smoking some Green Crack, however. We make fun of the strain’s name in my circle of smoky friends for obvious reasons, but fuck; I now fully understand the naming association. It makes you feel like running a quick 10k, just to get away from ‘whatever.’

There are so many strains out there now that finding five positive matches for producing good golf scores might take forever, so I rolled the dice and let the brilliant budtenders at Canna West Seattle pick five strains for me at random, the results of which are detailed below.

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  1. Green Crack, Northwest Connoisseur’s

Positives: The green crack powered me through a light wind and rainstorm, to a tune of even par with two birdies, in spite of missing nearly every fairway…

Negatives: I missed every fairway — just wacky off the tee. And paranoid as hell! There was some strange dude (it is a country club) walking the course with just one club, sort of hitting a ball terribly here and there, not following the holes. He played across my hole three times. No acknowledgement and he had his hood on so I could not see his face. Dude was freaking me out. So I turned off my headphones, grabbed my 7-iron out of my bag and planned for something crazy to happen. Fortunately he disappeared into the mist after the 4th hole.

Analysis: Avoid? I’m torn. My score was hot and I flew through the course physically, but playing from the wrong fairway hole after hole was a drag and the paranoia was dubious.

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2. White Widow, Dynamic Harvest

Positives: This dope turns your brain off, literally melting that shit away, until you miraculously enter ‘the zone’. While hitting the White Widow during a Seattle storm track ominously called “the Big Dark”, I consistently hit bombs into the wind/rain with my 12-degree mini-driver, placing the ball wherever I wanted it. It was like tunnel vision once I got over the golf ball.

The shittier the weather got during the Big Dark the better I swung the golf club and as a result I painted a few memorable masterpieces while under that umbrella and the Widow’s spell. It may have looked like I ‘wasn’t there’ had you looked in my eyes during those rounds, but it really would have been you who didn’t exist — I was an artist at work, undeterred by weather, dancing along to the La La Land soundtrack and dropping birdies.

Negatives: If your wife is like mine and doesn’t appreciate dopey dwarf, it is best to avoid any prolonged exposure to the widow. If you are talking about only taking the widow’s poison during a single round of golf, I’d say go for it, but don’t expect the gift of gab to come anywhere near your foursome, and don’t make any serious plans for later. You’ll likely be napping in the doghouse.

Analysis: This strain could be my go-to for golf, but how to avoid dopey dwarf syndrome? Going forward I might save a batch in the cabinet during golf season for those rounds I really want to go low, and worry about the consequences afterwards.

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3. Gorilla Glue, Canna Organix

Positives: Engaging with GG means you are smoking something that will blow your brains out, but not quiet your ‘mind’ like a White Widow. This Glue simply made me stupid. For many it is the strain of choice simply because of its power — in fact, it was the best selling retail strain in 2016. I’m assuming those people like forgetting their sand-wedge on every other green and don’t care much about their score.

Negatives: Wait. Did I just do that?

Analysis: You know that scene from Cheech & Chong’s first movie, Up in Smoke?

That’s Gorilla Glue man. Save it for the putt-putt tourney.

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4. Hindu Kush, Soulshine Cannabis

Positives: Ommmmmm. This strain really quiets your mind, putting you in an almost Zen-like state. I’m tempted to give this one a few more tests, maybe even try it out during a tournament or a match. After puffing the Kush I didn’t notice any stimuli outside of the club in my hand and the task before me. Knock-down six iron? Mastered. Toughest par-3 in King County? Birdied it.

Though the Hindu Kush is pure Indica, it didn’t make me a bit tired – just om.

Negatives: No negativity. To boot, Soulshine is an environmentally conscious grower, featuring some really innovative packaging solutions.

Analysis: Get after it. The Hindu Kush is a Zen-trigger...

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5. Sour Diesel, Virginia Company

Positives: Want to get something done? Smoke some Sour Diesel! I hit balls on the range to wait out a squall and on the second shot I realized I wasn’t even holding the golf club with my right hand at address. Duh! And obviously had been doing that most of the season. So I actually held the club with my right hand at address and started smashing it.

I then took my learnings to the golf course and bombed the first tee shot into a 20+ mph wind, right in front of the pro. In fact, I smashed all four of the tee shots I hit before being forced to quit and take my weed home because of hurricane-like the conditions = my umbrella snapped. Game over.

Negatives: I can’t think of too many, other than that I had troubles with putting. Maybe it was the wind, or just my putting stroke? Either way, I had issues settling down enough to make a good putt.

Analysis: Good for the course, but better for a trip to the driving range? 

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The Winners Circle…

1st Place: White Widow

2nd Place: Hindu Kush

3rd Place: Sour Diesel

So there you have it folks – scientific analysis at its best. This data, though it is specific to Washington-grown brands (but universal strains) sold at Canna West, can now be used to to alert the golfing public about which strains to employ and avoid during a match. So please share away on your favorite social media channels and stay away from the Green Crack on the golf course! Someone could get hurt.